What do you want?

I’m starting this off where I left off at the last blog post: what do you want out of sexuality?

I encourage you to explore your own sexuality: what is it you want? What’s pleasurable and/or exciting? What does sex even mean to you? Is masturbation fulfilling, and if not, are there ways it could be? What are differences between things you like seeing or thinking about and things you like doing? Are these desires gendered, or aimed towards a certain gender expression?

I’ll share a bit: for me, pleasurable or sensual feelings don’t often translate into sexual desire. I still like it, but it doesn’t necessarily make me horny. Among other things, I often get excited about disgust, which is why I’m so into using people as toilets and stuff. Another thing that tends to be exciting to me is something I’ll just call  “taboo”. I find that disgust and taboo go hand in hand, and certainly pee, and to a greater extent scat, are taboo things kept private. Things that cross societal, ethical, and interpersonal norms and boundaries, like incest fantasies, treating someone’s body as property, emotional sadism/extreme bullying. 

Those examples are things that are taboo in various ways to various extremes, but obviously doesn’t cover everything that excites me or everything that’s out there. The difficulty in portraying/acting these out is part of why I like drawn and written porn/erotica so much; everything is possible in fiction.

What does sex mean to me? I use a few different definitions. For health reasons, anything that can exchange bodily fluids beyond spit to spit- spit to genital, genital to genital, hand to genital, any blood contact, and all of those swapping genital for anal. Is a hand job sex? Maybe, maybe not. For these fluid exchange reasons I count drinking pee as a sex act, but not necessarily peeing on a body. Whoever is drinking pee has a slight risk factor for catching gonorrhea or chlamydia of the throat of the person peeing is infected with one of those (symptomatically or asymptomatically). I could talk about fluid exchange, disease transmission risks, and safer sex for ages, but that’s not my main point here. When I’m talking about sex, I want to know if I feel like I “did it”.

Did I have sex? Sometimes peeing on someone is the sex. Sometimes spanking is sex. Sometimes spanking leads to anal sex (in my personal experience lol). Did I masturbate next to someone? Did that feel like sex? It just might. I have penis-in-vagina sex, but that’s kind of an auxiliary act for me. My boyfriend often says, “Sex isn’t hot. Sex is what you do about things being hot.” Keep in mind, he fits the classic definition of a fetishist - without his fetishes present, he generally doesn’t have satisfying sex. Not everyone is wired like that, but plenty are. I don’t consider myself a fetishist in the same way. I do have paraphilias though, which are sexual attractions to objects/non sex acts. 

My most apparent paraphilias are gloves (of pretty much all kinds), pantyhose, high heels, and certain textures of plastic that are often found in lightweight rainjackets and disposable adult diapers. Despite that, I don’t consider myself a diaper fetishist, but I’m sure there are people who would say I am. Wearing pantyhose is often a sexual experience for me, which is why you’ll find several videos on my clip sites that focus on pantyhose. Sensuality that centers around pantyhose or gloves DOES usually translate to sexual feelings to me - stroking, rubbing, kissing on pantyhose, the slow on and off, layering stockings, and so on.

And besides paraphilias, there are dynamics. Dynamics tend to fall under the spectrum of roleplay, but they don’t have to be. I obviously fall heavily on the dominant side of dynamics. Power exchange, whether it’s for an hour, or through years, hits my sexuality is a unique way. Dynamics often have classic tropes: Domme/sub, Top/bottom, Mommy/boy, Teacher/student, etc. Those tropes are classics for a reason! They’re great! It can also be fun to upend them. What if I’m the little girl, and my boyfriend is playing the role of Daddy, but he does whatever I tell him to because he’s so wrapped around my finger? What if I’m abducted, but I actually lured a villain into kidnapping me so I could turn the tables and have my way with him? 

I’m attracted to all genders and gender expressions, and have no preference on genital types, so that doesn’t factor much into my sexuality. But for some people, it does. I do notice that I enjoy playing with gender roles, exaggerating or flipping them, especially with activities like face slapping, “household dynamics”, and feminization. As a cis woman who has also played with a number of ostensibly gay men, I love when the appeal in a kink activity or dynamic supersedes or even is enhanced by being the “wrong” gender for sexual attraction outside of the kink activities we’re doing.

I’m also fortunate that I have outlets for pretty much all of my sexual interests. I get huge satisfaction out of my Domme/sub relationship and dynamic with my submissive Michael. The dynamic itself is fulfilling in a sexual nature, as well as otherwise just fulfilling. And of course, we play fairly regularly, to varying degrees of intensity. My other main outlet in my personal life is with Alex Knight, my costar, colleague, and also boyfriend. We have an ongoing ABDL Mommy/boy dynamic, with occasional switches into Daddy/girl. In both of these relationships, there are foundations of trust and base activities that we both enjoy as well as so much freedom to explore, suggest new activities, step back from others, and much more. I have more casual or intermittent play partners too, with all sorts of fun things we share. Then, there are sessions, and every session is a collaborative foray into someone else’s kinks. Even if a session doesn’t include my favorite things, the learning and discovery feels so good and tends to inspire me to further reflect on my own desires.

So what is it that I want? I guess I want everyone to remember that sex isn’t bad. Masturabation isn’t bad. Porn and consuming porn isn’t bad. Even if you prefer porn to partnered sex, that isn’t really bad, unless you decide you want to change that. Sex is a morally neutral thing, and it’s up to you how you engage with it emotionally, spiritually, and/or with others. I want people to explore pleasure, non sexual pleasure, sensual pleasure, pleasure in the unpleasant, pleasure in orgasm, pleasure in not-orgasming. And I want to finger both of my holes while wearing a silky smooth pair of nitrile gloves.