Personal preferences, morals, and pleasure

I recently posted this on my bluesky: “Sex is neither bad nor the most sacred thing ever. I need all of you to examine your OWN relationship to sex, arousal, desire, and how you want to engage with that with other people, but keep in mind everyone is going to feel differently about it and want different things, for a slew of reasons”. I think it’s important to realize that sex, sexual expression, and masturbation are morally neutral things, and what’s fun or pleasurable about it that can be very different from person to person.

For some people, sex and intimacy are things they only share with deep romantic love and commitment present. Some people even wait until the government gets involved, and don’t have sex until after marriage! Some people only like it anonymous or ultra-casual. A lot of people fall somewhere in between. And of course, there are those who never have sex with someone else, either because they don’t want to, the opportunity doesn’t present itself, or they have some beliefs stopping them from pursuing that. But even the most virginal amongst us often engage in sexual activity like masturbating (though I imagine there may be some people who never do that too).

Sex, kinky play, masturbation, all of those things can be an avid hobby, prioritized in the schedule. Or they can be an occasional dalliance. Some people share sex, kinky activities, pleasurable touch with lots of people, only a few people, one other person, or no other people.

There is no moral right or wrong way to do it. There are religious reasons for practicing sexuality in certain ways, but religion is not the same as ethics and morality, though many use religion to guide their morals, and others conflate the two entirely. I form my ethics more around consent and harm, so as long as I’m doing things to and with other adults who consent, I feel my ethics are in line. And we have no research showing that lots of orgasms are bad for the health (on the contrary, there is evidence that regularly orgasming can be good for health in a variety of ways), no evidence showing that many sexual partners is bad for you, and no evidence showing that adult consensual roleplay damages or stresses the body or psyche, so I feel pretty confident that I’m not doing harm.

While there is no morally right or wrong way to determine how many people one can or should have sexual activities with, there may be a PERSONAL right or wrong way. Like I mentioned before, everyone feels differently about sexual activities. It’s important to figure out what feels good or bad to YOU. Does it feel good to have more than one sexual partner at a time? More than one kinky play partner? Do you have time and energy to spend with more than one partner? Does it feel good to play with someone you might never see again? Does sex with a friend sound fun, or does it ruin a friendship, or does it depend on the friend? Do you prefer monogamy? What counts as monogamy to you? Do you enjoy masturbating, with toys, in the dark, when you’ve had an edible, when you first wake up, in the shower, whatever works for you? The most important part is that you get to CHOOSE. You get to choose, and you get to choose again and again and change your mind whenever you like. The second most important part, if you do sexual activities with others, is that you have to COMMUNICATE these desires and limits.

People often say “gooner” and “gooning” derogatorily, but there’s no reason that masturbation isn’t as valid of a pastime as watching a movie, playing video games, baking cookies, hiking, whatever. Maybe solo masturbation is a common evening retreat, personal time, just you and twenty minutes, or perhaps three hours, of self pleasure. Maybe it happens every once in a while. I think more people would be better off, more relaxed, and also better equipped at knowing their own desires and limits if they spent more time masturbating.

So why are sex and kink and pleasure and masturbation looked down on as vices, or immoral activities? Maybe it’s religion (and religious holdover, since I hear these sentiments from very secular people too). Maybe it’s because pleasure itself is so demonized, that people think things that are pleasurable are bad, and things that are unpleasant are good. People laud the virtues of fortitude and suffering for those that work long hours, do cold plunges, eat unpalatable unseasoned food in the name of health, and so on, even those things aren’t “virtuous” and often aren’t actually beneficial to health or productivity at all. But when it comes down to it, pleasure isn’t inherently bad or immoral. It’s up to you to figure out what is pleasurable for you, and choose how and with whom you wish to share it, if you choose to share at all.